Being a born-and-raised New Yorker, not many things stop me in my tracks…but this did. With the clouds looming above, and the Empire State Building standing in all its NYC glory in the distance, I couldn’t help but resonate with it.
We have been goin through some shit lately no? I know for me there have been intense times of struggle: pondering next steps, trying to get unstuck, feeling emotions that have been buried - mostly through food, dealing with chronic pain, 3 painful surgeries in 2 years, at times excruciating physical therapy, weakening of the knees: literally and metaphorically, losing the use of my arm and trying to gain it back as I type. I’m at about 80% now and the guarantees of getting it to 95% as promised are slowly slipping away. I’m not giving up yet tho!
Add a crazy former prez, and his supporters, who continue efforts to destroy our democracy, a political party who is holding the rest of the country hostage because of lobbyists lining their pockets - I mean how much fucking money do you really need?!, an obliterated Supreme Court - no words, racism, white supremacists threatening a violent civil war, LGBTQ hatred, a worldwide pandemic and all the political craziness around it here at home-mamma mia, wars in Ukraine and around the world, guns/mass shootings, women’s rights being obliterated that one can almost see the Handmaid’s Tale easily transition from fiction to reality. We should’ve known it was coming when all those ‘Little House on the Prairie’ dresses started showing up in stores .. injecting some humor here, but it does give one food for thought.
Anyway, now that I’ve depressed us all, I wanted to say 2 simple words … HOLD ON. In my recent times of struggle I’ve entertained many different thoughts, which if I am to be honest and open here, have included thoughts of suicide. I’ve not wanted to share this before because:
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to show my vulnerability and darkness
I know how it may surprise some and I’ve been embarrassed about it
I didn’t want to further burden those closest to me who were doing their best to be a lifeline
for thinking maybe it was too much to put out there in an already saturated world of angst
for not wanting to get all of those empty words of (fake) support, which some closest to me have demonstrated, and that is the worst (those mentioned above excluded)
And why are we still so awkward around mental health? argh - a conversation that cannot be resolved in this blog for sure.
In handling most of this alone, each time that I thought I was done, I told myself HOLD ON. Fucking HOLD ON! Something worthwhile is on the horizon. Don’t give up just yet.
You may be in a similar situation, or you may know someone who is struggling, so I bring this message to all of you … HOLD ON!
How? For me, I remind myself of a moment when I stood on Ponte Amerigo Vespucci (Amerigo Vespucci Bridge in Firenze) and transitioned from deep sadness to indescribable happiness. I mean there were actual giggles. As the spray from the Arno’s mini cascata (waterfall) softly rose to caress me, it reminded me that HOLDING ON is what got me there. When I felt the joy being sucked out of my life and thought I’d never laugh my deep laugh again, standing in that very spot brought it all back to me. If I hadn’t held on, I wouldn’t have experienced it. I would have been lost…forever.
